Apeshit Mac N’Cheese

04/16/2010 1 Comment

Goddamn, this is easily one of my more…decadent…recipes.

Its delicious, don’t get me wrong, but this is something you eat once or twice a year – and i’m not being facetious.

So, if you’ve had a bad day, or you or a friend recently went through a breakup, or you just need some of the best fucking comfort food out there – this is your dish.

I’ll get more precise measurements, but this how I roll – approximately.

The Pieces

Prep Time: 5-10 mins, depending on how fast you can grate cheese…

Cook Time: 50 minutes

  • 1 box of elbow macaroni
  • half a full stick of butter
  • a generous amount of flour (lets say 1/2 a cup, for shits and giggles)
  • 16 oz each of: Mozzarella, Cheddar, Pepper Jack
  • 8 oz of: smoked gouda and brie
  • About a cup of whole milk
  • unflavored italian breadcrumbs
  • paprika
  • cayenne
  • salt and pepper

How its done

Have you ever made a roux? If not, go hang yourself in the bathroom with a used towel.

…

Or I can tell you how. If you don’t kill yourself. Which is still an option.

Roux 101

A roux is, very simply, a thickening agent used in many of the more traditional soups and stews. Its a combination of flour and fat – some cooks prefer oil, but most will tell you clarified butter (ghee) is the way to go.  The first thing you do is combine equal parts flour and fat over low heat, and stir to combine. As it thickens, it will go through a series of colors: white, blonde, beige, brick, fucking burnt and ruined you ass.

The color roux you end up with actually changes the flavor profile of the dish you’re cooking (and pretty drastically) – for example, a brick roux, which is used most frequently in gumbo, has a distinct nutty flavor.

For this dish today we’ll be using a blonde roux.

1. Clarify your butter. To do this, throw your butter in a sauce pan on low heat. Once it has melted, tilt the pot towards yourself and skim the fat off using a large spoon – or whatever works I don’t give a shit.

2. Put some of your clarified butter, say 2-3 tbsp, into a new sauce pot on medium heat

3. Add the flour

4. Stir constantly until thick. We’re looking for a consistency similar to that paste you ate in kindergarten. No? Just me? Whatever.

5. Once it has reached a ‘blonde’ color, whisk in your milk

Though the pic's shit, the consistency you are looking for pre-cheese - nice and smooth

6. After the two have combined completely, begin adding your cheese in batches. This part is really up to you – if the sauce gets to thick, just add more milk. But don’t skimp on that cheese.

7. Add a lot (i’m talking nearly 1 tbsp) of paprika and a few pinches of cayenne

8. Thats pretty much it for your sauce – now you’ll want to add the cooked (just barely al dente) macaroni. And no, I didn’t include a step for that, because its common fucking sense. If I need to tell you to boil the goddamn pasta go find another blog – Rachel Ray could always use another reader.

9. Once the pasta’s fully coated in the sauce spread it out evenly in a casserole dish

10. Now, in a separate bowl, toss your breadcrumbs with a little more of that ghee and any remaining cheese you have the balls to use.

11. Sprinkle that glorious shit all over the top of your pasta, and pop the pan into a preheated oven (375) until golden brown and awesome.

If you don’t absolutely love this, refer to my drunk taters recipe and GTFO.

Or there’s still hanging yourself in the bathroom. I never took that off the table…

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Hot delicious mess

04/11/2010 2 Comments

Before we get started, know this – the idea came from a damn good friend of mine, Jacob, and was prepared at 1 am while doing shots – so my measurements are most definitely off a bit.

Still, for something this haphazard, that shouldn’t matter. We grabbed the random shit floating around my apt, combined it with a few things he’d brought, and before our bleary eyes realized it we’d made a masterpiece.

The Pieces

Prep Time:10 mins

Cook Time: 45 mins – 1 hour

  • 1 16 oz can whole tomatoes, seeded (save a bit of juice)
  • Most of a 16 oz bag of shredded cheddar and mozzarella cheese
  • 1/2 a stick of salted butter
  • 3 yukon gold potatoes, cubed
  • 1 bigass sweet potato, cubed
  • 1 large brown onion, diced
  • 1 12 oz can of sweet peas, drained
  • 4 eggs, beaten
  • paprika
  • cayenne
  • fresh cracked black pepper
  • some oregano (i think?)

The Puzzle

0. Preheat oven to 375

1. Chop time: dice your peeled potatoes and onion.

2. Throw the onion into a glass casserole dish on high heat, and sweat until barely translucent. Remove the pan from the heat, and take the onions out (adding them in later)

3. Put your diced potatoes in the pan with the onion oil, and get that in the oven for 15 minutes

4. Take 3-4 shots of cheap whiskey

5. Drain and seed your tomatoes. Roughly chop and add to the potatoes after the 15 mins is up.

6. Add your reserve tomato juice and peas, and let cook for approx 45 minutes or until the potatoes are just barely fork tender

7. Mix beaten eggs with some cheese and the remaining spice you feel like adding- at least pepper and cayenee.

8. Pour this over the top and mix into the casserole dish

9. Copiously cover with cheese

10. Cook until nicely browned on top

11. Bask in your friends adoration at your pure fucking awesome skill

Bottle of rum on the right, beer on the left...

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Drunk Taters

04/09/2010 2 Comments

On the left, my Drunk Taters - on the right, vegan pot pie

The internet is indeed lucky today.

I’m releasing my hands down best fucking potato recipe – and the best part is how crazy simple it is.

I call ‘em drunk simply because that is USUALLY my state of mind when making them. Its easy cheesy drunk eats.

The Pieces

Prep Time: 10 mins choppin taters

Cook Time: 45 mins – 1 hour

  • 2 lbs Yukon Gold potatoes (or any white potato)
  • 2 lbs sweet potatoes
  • Shitload of tarragon
  • 8 oz heavy cream
  • 8 oz gorgonzola or bleu cheese
  • thats IT

The Puzzle

0. Preheat your oven to 350

1. Peel and slice all your potatoes thin

2. Throw ‘em in a baking dish

Aww...ain't they pretty...

3. Dust liberally with Tarragon

4. Add cream and cheese, mix

Notice my Shun Knife on the board in the back...mmm hmmm

5. Throw the dish in the oven, covered with tin foil, for 45 minutes

6. Remove the covering, cook until really damn fork tender, and crispy on top.

I know you love my dirty stove top

If you don’t LOVE these potatoes -

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Spicy Stew – for that Sunday afternoon hangover

04/06/2010 Leave a comment

My favorite thing about the weekends, besides the different shenanigans I often find myself involved in, is actually the recovery period – spending so much time in the fetal position shaking uncontrollably, sucking down huge portions of water, I’ve learned to cope quite well.

Even going so far as enjoying it – setting up a process of detoxification where I consume huge amounts of liquid, veggies, go for a run/hike, etc.

So – what follows is a guideline. Use whatever you like – i’ve thrown as many as 13-15 veggies into this pot at a time. Its more about the seasonings and the cooking time that makes this an instant hangover cure.

I’d avoid cooking this if you are looking for a quick meal. As tasty as this is, we’re talking 2 1/2 to 3 hours cook time (I spent the time curled up on the couch, my 30 proof sweat soaking my snuggie). I highly suggest you have something else to occupy your time while this shit simmers.

The Pieces

Prep Time: About 20 minutes

Cook Time: 2 1/2 to 3 hours

  • 1 quart veggie stock, low to no sodium preferred
  • 1 1/2 cups diced white onion
  • 1 cup celery, peeled and chopped
  • 2 cups carrots, peeled and chopped
  • 1 cup green beans, stemmed and cut in thirds
  • 1 bunch kale, roughly chopped
  • 1 jalapeno, chopped (leave the seeds)
  • 2 cans diced tomatoes, drained
  • 2 lbs small red potatoes, washed damn well
  • 3 bay leaves
  • 2 tsp smoked paprika
  • 2 tsp cayenne pepper
  • salt to taste
  • pepper to taste
  • 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
  • 1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
  • 4 tbsps balsamic vinegar
  • 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
  • 3 cups brown rice
  • Some tasty soft bread, like a french roll or Challah

The Puzzle

1. Heat up your stew pot with the oil (heres a tip – to tell if the oils hot without checking the sizzle, turn your pan to the side. If it shimmers like the surface of water, its good to go)

2. Once the oil’s good and hot, add your onion, carrots, celery and spices. As soon as that shit hits the pan, drop the heat to medium and sweat those veggies til the onion is translucent.

3. Add the rest of your veggies, the veggie stock and bay leaves. Fill with water til everythings covered.

4. Bring to a simmer, not a boil, and cover.

5. Let sit for one hour – then, add your apple cider and red wine vinegars, and tomatoes.

6. After another 30 mins throw the balsamic in there, and let simmer for another hour uncovered.

7. In the mean time, cook your rice separately

8. Once the potatoes are super tender, and the sauce isn’t too bitter, serve over rice with bread.

9. After one bowl, notice your memories of the night before begin to return…

Some variation of this is usually bubbling away on my stove every Sunday. A helluva tradition I recommend you try.

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Blasphemous Bruschetta

04/04/2010 Leave a comment

First recipe – and a goddamn good one at that. I’ve seen a lot of different recipes for what could possibly be my favorite snack,  but none quite so awesome as mine.

Ok…I might be pumping this up a little. This is really a poor mans quick bruschetta fix that ends up tasting damn decent. Give it a shot, let me know what you think.

The Pieces

Prep time: 10 mins if you can chop fast

Cook time: 10 mins for the garlic/bread, and at least another 30 for the tomato mixture to marinate

  • 8 oz fresh mozzarella – if you need to settle, try picking up some of this.
  • 1 fresh baguette
  • 1 16oz can diced roma tomatoes, drained. Make sure they’re packed in water, no salt added.
  • 2 full garlic bulbs
  • 1 bunch fresh Basil
  • 4 tbsps extra virgin olive oil
  • 2 tbsps aged balsamic vinegar
  • 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
  • salt
  • pepper
  • cayenne pepper

Its blurry...I know. iPhone camera.

Alright, now before we begin I want to clear something up – the term bruschetta doesn’t actually reference the topping. This is a pretty common misconception, but the reality is that bruschetta is the bread, which is grilled, oiled and rubbed with garlic.

The Puzzle

1. Preheat the oven to 375.

2. Take one bulb of garlic and slice off the tops. Place this in tinfoil with the sides crimped, and drizzle 1 tbsp of EVOO in the bulb.

3. Place this in the stove to roast until golden brown

4. Chop time – take your basil leaves, stack ‘em, roll ‘em, and slice. This trick is called a chiffonade. From here dicing should be much easier, and provide a more standard size.

5. While waiting for your garlic to roast, pop open that can of tomatoes and plop them into a fine sieve (or strainer) to get the extra juice out.

6. Grab your baguette and slice pieces approximately 1/4 inch thick, on the bias. Brush each slice with a little olive oil and set aside.

7. Throw the olive oil brushed baguette onto a grill – if you do not have one, use the preheated oven and toast til golden brown.

NOTE: I made this recently, and as I lacked a baking sheet where I was cooking, I actually used a saute pan, with great results! A much deeper flavor.

My dear friend Laura basks in the golden brown glory of the bread. Never hurts to snap some pics of a few hot ladies, yes?

8. Once the bread is toasted/grilled, its important you rub each bread piece with garlic as soon as its cool enough.

9. By this time your garlic should be roasted – take it out of the foil and mince finely. This is the part I hate the most, as much as I love garlic, since invariably my fingers smell for hours later…use some gloves, or rinse your hands with lemon juice after, to prevent this.

Almost done...although the garlic isn't as golden as I'd like.

10. Time to combine…in a large mixing bowl add the garlic, basil, tomatoes, remaining EVOO and all the vinegars. Two pinches each of salt, pepper, and cayenne. Toss to combine.

11. Set this in the fridge for at least a half an hour

12. Slice your mozzarella ball in half, then cut into thin strips

And your done! When eating, spoon a hefty amount of the tomato mixture onto a piece of bruschetta, top with mozzarella, and enjoy!.

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